Saturday, February 28, 2009

Transplanting Feces

So I mentioned previously how we're doing stool "fecal" transplantation in patients with severe diarrhea from a bacteria called C.diff, whic is potentially fatal

Here's a description of the procedure

1- Walk into the room

2- Introduce yourself as the "transplant physician"

3- Explain to the patient's family that they can save his life.

4- If asked how, tell them all what they have to do is to save their poop. You can give them a "save-the-poop" card and place the transplant date on it.

5- Test the donor for blood-borne pathogens and do stool studies

6- On the big day of the transplant, ask the donor to perform his normal morning activity of defecation. Store the feces in a container (hat).

7- Soon afterwards, you can start the process of stool transplantation:

8- Pour in normal saline into the poop container.

9- Start crushing and mushing the poop mixing it with the normal saline, until it starts looking like gravy.

10- I forgot to mention: don't perform the procedure one day before Thanksgiving.

11- Continue mushing the poop for a few minutes.

12- Add barbeque sauce (optional).

13- If by now you're still not wearing gloves, it's time to do so (also optional).

14- Place the poop solution in a bag hooked to an enema tube.

15- Introduce the enema gently over a period of fifteen minutes. Use one hand to hold on the enema tube while using the other hand to hold up the poop bag as high as possible so the poop can drop slowly under the effect of gravity. Your body posture should be looking like the statue of liberty (but instead of the torch you're holding poop)

16- If the patient and the donor ask you for the 100th time if this proecdure works, tell them that a guy named Aas showed that it does.

17- After you're done placing the enema, ask the patient to try to hold on it for as long as possible.

18- Clean the patient, and tell the donor that you may have to repeatt the procedure in the future. Unfortunately, you cannot use the same poop sample more than once, hence the phrase, "same shit different day" doesn't apply here.

19- Wash your hands.

20- Wash your hands.

21- Wash your hands.

Bon appetit

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Oscar Predictions

It's the first time I make Oscar predictions. If they turn out to be as good as my football predictions, then Haret Abu Awwad will win 14 Oscars.

If you don't want to run the list, I'll tell you about my biggest prediction: IT's Heath Ledger NOT winning aan Oscar. The Academy tries to avoid being predictable, and nothing seems more predictable these OScars than Ledger winning an Oscar for the Dark Knight.

Milk will win best picture, as movies about the oppressed (the blind, mentally challenged, holocoast survivors, gays....etc) usually win big.

This is my list, expect this post to be deleted by Monday morning.

Best Actor in leading Role: Mickey Rourke
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Josh Brolin
Actress in a leading Role: Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married
Actress in a Supporting Role: Taraji Henson (the only shining thing in Button)
Best Picture: MILK
Animated Films: Wall-E.
Custom Design: Curious Case
Directing: Slumdog millionaire
Foreign Language Film: Waltz with Bashir
Makeup: Curious Case

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Why God Why?

Why did God create earth, humans and the whole world?

Did he have to? Did he want to? Can God regret something he's done a very long time ago?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The BiWeekly Video: Not Showing Up

Comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert presents an Emmy award to a nominee who was not present.

Ricky Gervais took his award the following year, in a very unconventional way, click here to watch.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Argentina .. A Shit-Load of Talent

Two years after defeating them in Paris, Argentina destroyed France again yesterday with a great victory in Marseille under the leadership of the greatest human on the face of this place, and the greatest Argentinian in history since Che Guevara, Captain Diego Armando Maradona.

I wonder why France still insisted on getting humiliated again on their soil. They could have avoided that by playing Brazil, Germany, England... anything.

I will leave you with the goals from Gutierrez and Messi, candy for your eyes, enjoy the magic, enjoy this morning cup of coffee

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Well-Orchestrated Waltz With Bashir

I'm not sure how can I recommend a movie that ruined my week.

This movie is animated and the animation is incredibly good. It talks about Sabra and Shatilla, among many things. It slowly moves you into within the Palestinian camp where people were slaughtered, and it sucks out your soul from you at some parts of the movie. You will absolutely feel like crap, especially toward the end.

The ironies in this movie are the best thing about it. The songs are well-made but when you hear their lyrics you will cringe. The irony of a person affected by a genocide contributing to another one, and the irony that Waltz with Bashir left me with after I left the smallest and only cinema in my town of one million people that showed that movie (while the Dark Knight is still in some theaters): most Americans can barely recall or know what that massacre was about, and this movie might be the only reminder they have. A movie made by Israelis, talking how they were partially involved in this crime. Some Israelis did not avoid history, but actually converted it into a master piece that made it a nominee for an Oscar for best foreign movie. I wonder if any Arab nation is willing to make a movie about some crimes, or misfortunes, that they have contributed to in the past.

This year in the Oscars, I'm rooting for Israel.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Mikro-Blogging: Lola Loo, Lola Lee, Lola Lo Lola Li Alla Mhayyi Shaware3na

* People should start tipping doctors after they see them in clinic. All workers get tipped. It's unfair I make no money in tips when Arturo the coffee guy makes 12 dollars an hour. I'm gonna leave an empty bottle outside my clinic door, but please don't pee in it- do that in the red bottle.

* A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. Whenever people start calling you a pig (which happens to me every day), you should just look up in the sky and scream out loud, "I wish".

* Men have their own PMS. I had it yesterday, Post-Mansaf Syndrome also leaves you with an strange mood and makes you often bitchy.

* During the Super Bowl there was an error and a 30-second porn clip of naked men showed up on TV. It happened only on one cable network here in Tucson. The big surprise: it wasn't "COX". (terrible terrible joke)

* The company apologized for its subscribers and will compensate them with 10 dollars each. You know that's really great about America, people watch porn that is not only free, but they actually get paid after they watch it.

* I'm really excited about Obama trying to initiate plans to use alternative energy resources. But I'm not excited because it's better for the environment. I just want Saudis to start doing useful things, like getting a life and stop sending those retarded text messages to Arabic TV stations.

* Colored TV was a great invention, but I think people hurt the most from it were female Egyptian actresses. And to my Egyptian brothers.... please stop considering a 60-year old bikini-wearing Nadia al-Jundi a sex symbol. When I first saw her movies I thought they were made to torture prisoners at Guantanamo.

* One more word to my Saudi brothers: stop raping women under the age of 13 (or what you call marriage), although if you stop doing it Al-Arabiyah will run out of news.

* Another big fight took place between several members of the Jordanian Parliament today. I'm willing to give a 100-JD donation to whoever is willing to supply everyone of them with guns for the next fight. Seriously, we need to cut the number of members from 120 to nothing.
* A big storm hit Kentucky and many people became homeless. In order to help, the US government gave them food supplies, but those supplies turned out to be contaminated with Salmonella. It's really terrible what happened to Kentucky, but it could be God's way of saying, "here's what you get for inventing KFC".
(In the picture above is Mariana Bridi da Costa, a 20-year old Brazilian model. She got a bad infection last month, and doctors ended up amputating both of her legs, then removed her kidneys, then she died. So this beautiful girl suffered a lot and died. It's been a depressing year so I thought I'd depress you more by writing about it. And by the way, for the mokhabarat-guy-whoever-you-are-who-is-reading-this, I was just kidding about the Parliament joke, I swear I swear to God)

Sunday, February 01, 2009

The BiMonthly Video: Zippers of 1963

This is a really interesting clip from a lady talking about clothes and zippers in the 1963-era. There's more into this clip than zippers.

This comes as part of Hareega's bimonthly youtube clips of 500,000 views or less that are worth watching.


I called one of the interns.

"Cindy, I tried to log on my hospital account with your password, but it won't let me in!"

"Yes, I changed it last week, every six months we have to change it. Just add 3 to the end. I thought you had a password by now."

"No, I tried to get one last year but there were technical issues. I didn't feel like calling again, I hate those IT people"

"I see, sorry for not telling you about the change"

I sighed, and made sure my sigh was heard well on the phone, and told her, "that's OK, but if you don't mind next time you change your password let me know."

"Ok, I'm sorry"

When I was a student I often hated the residents and attendings working above me, some of them were arrogant self-centered morons.
Well, I think I'm becoming an arrogant self-centered moron myself, and it feels so damn good.