Saturday, February 28, 2009

Transplanting Feces

So I mentioned previously how we're doing stool "fecal" transplantation in patients with severe diarrhea from a bacteria called C.diff, whic is potentially fatal

Here's a description of the procedure

1- Walk into the room

2- Introduce yourself as the "transplant physician"

3- Explain to the patient's family that they can save his life.

4- If asked how, tell them all what they have to do is to save their poop. You can give them a "save-the-poop" card and place the transplant date on it.

5- Test the donor for blood-borne pathogens and do stool studies

6- On the big day of the transplant, ask the donor to perform his normal morning activity of defecation. Store the feces in a container (hat).

7- Soon afterwards, you can start the process of stool transplantation:

8- Pour in normal saline into the poop container.

9- Start crushing and mushing the poop mixing it with the normal saline, until it starts looking like gravy.

10- I forgot to mention: don't perform the procedure one day before Thanksgiving.

11- Continue mushing the poop for a few minutes.

12- Add barbeque sauce (optional).

13- If by now you're still not wearing gloves, it's time to do so (also optional).

14- Place the poop solution in a bag hooked to an enema tube.

15- Introduce the enema gently over a period of fifteen minutes. Use one hand to hold on the enema tube while using the other hand to hold up the poop bag as high as possible so the poop can drop slowly under the effect of gravity. Your body posture should be looking like the statue of liberty (but instead of the torch you're holding poop)

16- If the patient and the donor ask you for the 100th time if this proecdure works, tell them that a guy named Aas showed that it does.

17- After you're done placing the enema, ask the patient to try to hold on it for as long as possible.

18- Clean the patient, and tell the donor that you may have to repeatt the procedure in the future. Unfortunately, you cannot use the same poop sample more than once, hence the phrase, "same shit different day" doesn't apply here.

19- Wash your hands.

20- Wash your hands.

21- Wash your hands.

Bon appetit

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

you mean Poop appetit?

Whisper said...

What a lovely exciting job you have :D

Thanks for mentioning the gravy and the barbecue sauce :"(

kinzi said...

I only went past #5 because i am a really, really, loyal reader. XP

Surely this is the job of some aid, or a nurse?

Hareega said...

Kinzi, it's not conditional to trransplant stool, so I did it with an infectious control nurse! from now on she'll be doing it by herself

Sophia said...

Hey .. Didn't you find something more disgusting than this?

I couldn't eat for one hour :(

Hareega said...

Sorry! right after this transplant I enjoyed my turkey with MASHED potatoes

Anonymous said...

Are you sure that they were Mashed Potatoes?

Not something else.... + Normal Saline ....


:-)

Hareega said...

I have to say they tasted a little different

maroo said...

ewwwwwwwwwwwww !!!!!!

NeverMind said...

EWWWWWW
seriously.
is it in the job description?

Sam said...

this post is going to be great for my weight loss...i come to your blog, read this and lose my appetite for few hour..repeat and i will be a much smaller sam in few weeks!! thanks!

Hareega said...

NeverMind, not really, I insisted on doing it , it works, sometimes!

Sam, you're welcome:) I'll be more than happy to help with your diet every once in a while, just keep checking my blog