Saturday, December 31, 2005

Why it sucks to be a doctor

To start with, nobody likes me. Mothers pray day and night for their sons never to meet me. If any of your friends or family heard you are visiting me at my office, they'll be concerned and if they heard you have to see more doctors, they'll freak out.

All people hope to never see me near the end of their life. They wish to die suddenly in their sleep, or from a sudden heart attack or a car accident or a plane crash or even be suddenly killed in a terrorist attack than to die slowly with me around, no matter how much care and effort I'll be trying to provide to people. All the prayers focus that my face won't be the last thing people will see before they die. Even I feel sorry for people who die that way.

People think I'll be damn rich not knowing that when I'll turn thirty I won't be having a single shilin in my pocket, let alone not be in debt.

When I eventually ask people for money for their visits, they'll talk about the inhumane doctor who works for money, but they have no problem in paying ten times that amount of money to watch Hayfa Wahbi shaking her body.

It's almost impossible for men to miss an invitation to lunch or an important sport match, and rarely do ladies miss their appointment with a hairdresser, but when it comes to missing a doctor's appointment that's perfectly ok. Who hasn't ever missed a doctor's appointment for God's sake?

I see people dying from terminal disease yet have to answer them when each asks "When will I get better?"
I see old people left alone to die and worse I see their families showing up once they do telling me I could have prevented his death from the cancer that has eaten his body.

I see women getting divorced when they lose one breast and children being beaten almost to death and young girls being impregnated by their father.

Unlike other people, if my patient cusses me and my family I have to ask about what's bothering him- and for readers don't think of cussing bcoz I'll kick your ass ;) I can spend the whole night trying to stabilize one patient and next morning when he wakes up he'll carry his bag and walk away saying how bad he was treated because because the water in the shower wasn't too warm or the food didn't have enough salt.

Even if people didn't pay a penny for their health care they usually won't look for a way to thank you, but a way to sue you. They smoke for 50 years and drink and are one human being overweight however they blame me they got a heart attack.

If you see a doctor smiling, he's not necessarily happy. It's only part of his job.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Rated R, based on a True Story...

هذه المحادثة يوم عيد الميلاد في احد المنازل العربية في الولايات المتحدة الاميريكية

تجلس في السيتتينغ رووم عائلة كبيرة من ضمنها حريقة

الموضوع: جدال حول قطعة من الارض وعما اذا كان من الظروري تعزية احدى العائلات برجل توفي قبل اسبوع

تبدا عفيفة (ام سام) النقاش اللاهب: شفتو جاسر قال بدو اياني ابيعو حصتو بالارظ و ماييبي يدفعلي حقها عسنة
و هنا انفجر زوجها سلمان صارخا: والله هال اسسهول اذا بحلش عنا لالعن ابو شنباته

بسام قاعد عالجاعد جنب سلمان وطس نفخ ارجيلة على الحضور معلقا " مش قلتكلكو وي شودنت توك معو اخو هالعرصة

في هذه اللحظة احس سام ابن العشرين والذي سكب اربعة غالونات من الجل على شعره المصدي في الصباح، احس انه بصفته رجلا
الان ان عليه ان يعلق
فسحب الارجيلة من خاله بسام و شفط نفس ثم صمت لخمس ثوان و نطق الجوهرة

" ك** اخت هال لااايف"
ثم عادت عفيفة لتعلق " قال مفكرني ناسية شو سوا مع رحمة اخوي بالبيت لما بيعه حصته بيه بالنايتي سيفين
سلمان ..." مش بقلك اسسهول وابن شرم
بسام ... " انا اخر مرة قعدت معه قلتله فايس طو فايس اتفه على ز*رك انت مش زلمة
سام ... " ك* اخت هال لااايف
و في هذه اللحظة استرعى انتباه تيسيير (تيرري) ان حريقة جديد على الجلسة وريما يجب تغيير الموظوع

تيرري... سمعتو عن ابو عبدة ، ابدكوش تروحو تعزو ؟
سلمان.... " انا بروحش، بس مات ابوي الله يرحمه....
ام سام..... "تعيش"
بسام.... "تعيش"
تيرري... "تعيش"
ابو تيرري "تعيش"
سام " ك* اخت هال لااايف
سلمان مكملا ".... بس مات ما اجا عزاني اخو هالكلبة
بسام.... " ساقط وكل عيلته ساقطة.... اخوه متجوز قحبة وقال جابلي اياها عالبيت عالثانكس قيفينغ
وهنا اطبق صمتا كاد يبدوا ابديا على الجلسة، فقد استنتج سلمان و عفيفة ان بسام عمل عشاء اثناء الثانكس قيفينغ في منزله دون ان يدعيا اليه
و كسر تيرري حاجز الصمت الرهيب .... " انا بقول واحد من الفاميلي لازم يروح يعزي، اي ما بصيرش هيش
ونظر الجميع صوب ربيع الشاب المهذب الجالس في الزاوية
سلمان " ربيع ابيش غيرك يروح يعزي الاسسهول
ربيع "بس والله يا عمو لا بعرفو ولا بعرف عيلتو ولابعرفوني
وهنا احتد صوت بسام " بس انت اقرب واحد عليه، فيفتيين مينتس من عل هاي واي وبتكون عنده، انت زاببوزد تروح عنده مش احنا
و هنا انسل حريقة من بين الجماهير الغفيرة واتجه صوب المطبخ ونادى على ابن خالته وبدئا يدقان بما تبقى من سدر المنسف

Friday, December 23, 2005

Diary from Arizona.... Bart TWO

I don't know if i've mentioned that before my i love my underwear- kalaseen. In america most grown-ups wear boxers, but i adore el kalsoon and i treat it with respect and will never get rid of it. Obviously my family remembered that and they sent me 2 pieces of kalsoon that i have forgotten in Amman six months ago with their friends who were coming to Ariozna, and the friends called me telling me that they have "el-gharath" so i drove 2 hours to phoenix to bring "el-gharath".

One of the reasons i left my previous apartment was because many strangers have touched my kalsoon- ok don't get me wrong, i left them in the laundry machine for a week (i was busy jeez), and there's one laundry room to serve the whole compound i live in. Eventually the apartments manager gabba3at ma3o o 7aka hatha abu el kalaseen el double X-large etha bedoosh yeeji ysheel kalaseeno ana bashelllo iyyahom, so once after i ran off kalaseen i remembered my good old kalaseen in the laundry and i went there to pick them up, and i found them out of the laundry machine on a table nearby , forjeh lal raye7 wel jaay welli beddo yakhodlo kalsoon ye3mal menno baradi aw sharshaf lal tawleh bye3mall, so i was mad and i decided that if it comes to my kalaseen i am out of here.

So I moved to a new apartment. My mother visited me 3 months ago and cooked me mlookhiyyeh, and left it in the fridge so i would have it the next day. I forgot to eat it next day and the day after it became too stinky to be eaten, but i was disgusted to throw it away. I wasn't disgusted by the dirty socks on my sofa or the 3-cm think layer of dust on every surface in my apartment, but i was disgusted from a 2-day old mlookhiyyeh. Those 2 days became 3 months and i witnessed the evolutionary change of a green mlookhiyyeh into white then black then colorless all in my fridge. Eventualy my friend was afraid my neigbors would think i'm hiding a dead body in my place, so he himself threw the mlookhiyyeh away, 100 feet far from my apartment.

Some of the teams i worked with were strange. Once my supervisor was the husband of another doctor my level in the team. They were both Indians and newly married, and it was easy to feel the romance of the newly-wed coubble in the team. He preteneded to be el za3eem wel team leader bas awal ma teeji marto begleb zay el bisseh o beblasho yetbassamo la ba3ath o mesh nages ella yetla3 3ala shajara o yseer yghanneelha chukarmare mankoo. Later I worked in another team where everybody from doctors to pharmacists to medical students were women, and they tried to be as much professional as they can, bas walla kont mestashgefli akamenn wa7deh, bejanneno o bettaakalo bi kharaahom. Working with women all that time made me know the best ways of waxing, dealing with PMS, and who are the sexiest ten men alive.

I am discovering Tucson more and more. It's really nice but a special area is the South. Eveyobdy there is latino who would commit suicide if restaurants stopped making burritos. Many of the mehhhicanos are illegal, so Seyadet el Ra2ees george bush sharrafna bi zayara la Tucson last month where he had a speech starting with a very intelligent observation .... "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
so based on that genius statement you can conclude how effective his visit was in solving that problem

It's also a poor area, and you can still see some old Volks beatle cars not working and 4 big men pushing the car bi nuss deen el shoob edfesh ya alejandro o dezz men 3endak ya santiago and they're sweating all over o bantaloonhom full of sweat msa7wel o nuss teezhom embayneh bi nuss el share3.....

Another thing people enjoy there is cocaine, it's sold everyhwere and we always get patients
who've been smoking it men for ages. They get very sick and we treat them for a long time, and just before they leave bag3od ma3hom o bamsek el mareed o ba7keelo ma benfa3 haik ya ostaaz ortega you have to stop smoking this shit, bi7keeli mashi wala yhizzak, but after he leaves home bog3odlo jalset ons with his amigos o berja3elna 3al ICU mesh gader yetnaffas.

I got the chance to travel some places outside Tucson. I visited my sister in suburbs of Chicago, and when my mom visited me we went to Vegas and it was nice to meet some relatives there. I wasn't impressed by the fake eiffel tower fake venice or fake pyramids but i what i liked the most was the very real giant TV screens in hotels that broadcast live sport events. Each screen of these is larger than my apartment. I might end up watching the world cup there, i can't wait till it starts... all what i care for is to see Argentina kicking some Brazilian ass and after that i don't care if Argentina loses 10-0 to Saudi Arabia I just want Brazilians to know that maybe they play soccer well but they are not god.

Xmas is coming soon happy holidays , it's so strange how it's more acceptable to say merry x-mas in jordan than it is in america. Next time someone would tell me happy holidays i migh tell him send me your mama so i can enjoy my holiday. Anyway Xmas is boring here, there's one neighborhood where all hosues are decorated for Xmas, otherwise you'd feel that Xmas is more enjoyable in afghanistan than it is in tucson.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Diary from Arizona ....

ta7iyyeh gawiyyeh men Arizona 3aroos el janoob o bawabbeh America 3ala el makseek

Winter has started in this beautiful city and I'm so happy we got rid of the heat, it was unbearable.During summer time people were almost celebrating in Tucson after breaking our local record of 39 consecutive days with a temperature greater than 100 F, o lalli ma be3raf ye7seb 100 F is 40, o lalli be3raf ye7seb it's 37.8, to me and everyone else these numbers were bullshit, they only help in putting Tucson in the news because there was no other way to do so. No matter what numbers were, summer here was a real hareega, and everyone had to develop his own ways of survival. Ya3ni when you visited someone awal eshi bethayfook is water, and you gotta drink what equals to sahreejain mayy everyday to avoid getting dehydrated. When I sat in the car i avoided rubbing my ass frequently with the seat because any unncessary friction could start a tragic fire.

Nuss el ma7allat has "Sun" and "Desert" and "heat" in their names, pretty much like we have hussain in our companies and swaag el khothra.

People still can't pronounce or spell my name correctly, both my first and last name. They can spell and pronounce the names of all qaeda members well but when it comes to Masannat I become Matasat or Masafat, and sometimes they just say Dr. Masa as in masa el khair yes3ed masakom. My first name is never said correctly and now I'm being called Fairoz since there's another resident with me from Pakistan whose name is Fairoz-and he's a guy by the way, so both of us are now Fairoz. Once I wondered if he had a great voice but after i heard him singing i got diarrhea for three weeks with strange nightmares and some depression.

Finally I decided to play Karate. I started taking classes in July and in 10 days I announced my retirement. My coach was a lady in her mid-50s and she taught me some basic moves and then we started playing karate... in the beginning i thought to myself "hal men el rujooleh enni athrob 7orma??" Well I didn't need to think a lot because that 7orma rafhsat bi batni, she then slowed down and kept teaching me more basic movements in the next 2 classes, and by the third classes i joined the rest of the class. The rest of the class consisted mainly of 8-12 year old kids, i wanted to beat the hell out of them, but once i saw them fighting with each other i realized that i'm the weakest person in the whole training center.

The coach introduced me to the rest of the class and despite the size difference i could easily spot those 10-year old chinese kiddos looking at me and smiling very confidently thinking "ta3aal ya abu karsh bedna nemsa7 el ard feek mase7". I had a flashback form when I was 6 years old practising Karate and they had to kick me out after i refused to take the white belt exam because i was crying all the time. This time i wasn't crying but during the entire class kont ga3ed 3am bakhra ta7ti so i eventually decided to quit playing before i would become the joke of the karate center........

Monday, December 19, 2005

Conversation with a very old man

This conversation took place between me and an old man suffering from Alzheimer's Disease, which caused him to have a severe dementia (loss of memory)

I was examining how bad his symptoms were

Hareega : "When did the bleeding start sir?
Patient: "I think i had it for a very long time" - his nursing home said it was 2 days only.
Hareega: "Sir do you have a family I can talk to?"
Patient : "I don't know" - and he smiled
Hareega: "I mean do you have a wife, daughters, sons....etc??"
Patient "I don't know" - now he started laughing.
Hareega : "Do you know where are you now sir?"
Patient "Mississippi" - we were in Arizona
Hareega : "Ok Sir do you know who is the president?"- common question to test general knowledge

Patient smiling "yes it's Ronald Reagan"
and as if he realzied he was wrong, so he asked me "No?? Not Reagan?? What happened to him?"

I avoided answering because Reagan died of Alzheimer's Disease and I didn't want to upset my patient, but then i thought hell what he's gonna forget my answer pretty soon.

I left the room and called the nursing home to get more details about his condition and check whether or not he has a family. I felt so sorry for this man and how he is unable to remember over 80 years in his life and the close people he knew and lived with for a very long time.

We figured out later that he had colon cancer which cannot be removed and it would kill him in months. We tried to contact his family for a long time but couldn't reach any for over 2 weeks.

I used to feel pity for that man but now I feel he is so lucky he cannot remember anything. He can't remember his so-called family who have not asked about him for a long time, he can't know when will he die or how bad his disease is. He started living life day by day just like children who don't think of the future. Probably by the time he dies he'll think that the hospital is his house and the patient in the next bed is his brother and the doctors are his children.

I used to feel pity for him but now I feel pity for myself.

(P.S. the picture above is for a different patient, stolen from google)


والله اني مستشقفكي يا ادريانا ليما

اي لو بلف الكرك كلها بلاقيش احلى منكي

يلعن عمر ستي محلى الطاقية على رااااسكي

حرقتني حرق هالخسة........ بتتاكلي بخراكي يا بنت فرانسسكو

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

صباح الخير

انحرق البيدر.... و خرب الزيت والزعتر.... والعصفور حزين

اليوم اول صباح الخير بدون ابن دبين

Monday, December 12, 2005

Together in the University of Jordan, 35 years ago!!

If by any chance you studied in the University of Jordan in the early 1970s, you probably came across those 2 faces without knowing them.

One is Abdullah Azzam, a professor in Islamic Law , who later became Osama Bin Ladin's spiritual mentor.

The other is John Abizaid, who was attending the Univeristy of Jordan during that period. In 2003 he became the Commander of the US Central Command.

I guess you can tell from the pictures which is which!

Such contradictions!

اتذكر ... تختخ ونوسة ولوزة... ورشيد

My friend Dr. Nakhleh Abu Yaghi has an outstanding talent in writing,
He allowed me to steal some of what he wrote to place them in my blog

This is something he wrote at the beginning of the war on Iraq in 2003....
hope you'll enjoy it

أتذكر... أتذكر جيداً حصص الإجتماعيات... كان هناك وطن عربي من الشام لبغدان... كان هناك يمن شمالي و يمن جنوبي... كنا ننسى أن النيل يمر بالسودان أيضاً... كان لكل بلد صادرات وواردات... حقول النفط في ليبيا جاءت في الإمتحان النهائي...
أتذكر بعض كلام عن كامب ديفيد و عن رجل يدعى السادات و عن غضب على مصر البلد الذي تأتي منه المسلسلات على التلفزيون...
كنت أعرف لاعباً مشهوراً اسمه جمال أبو عابد سجل هدفاً من بعيد في مرمى العراق... لكن لاعباً آخر اسمه أحمد راضي كان دائماً يسجل فينا الأهداف... أحمد راضي ذهب مع رفاقه ليلعبوا في كأس العالم... الكل يشجع العراق و أحمد راضي... كانوا يلبسون الأخضر الزاهي اما الآن فالمنتخب العراقي يتشح بالسواد...
كانت معلمتي تنهرني إذا وجدت في يدي أحد "الألغاز"... "إقرأْ شيئاً مفيداً !" كانت تقول... كنت أهز رأسي و ما أن تبتعد حتى أغوص في الكتيب الصغير فألتهمه التهاماً... كان لهذه المغامرات أبطال كثيرون... محب و نوسة و لوزة و عاطف و تختخ... ثم كبرت قليلاً لأكتشف أن ذات الكاتب محمود سالم قد خرج بسلسلة جديدة تدعى "الشياطين ال13"...
كانت قصصهم جادة أكثر لكن هذا لم يكن بيت القصيد... كانوا فريقاً من مختلف الدول العربية و قد اختيرت أسماؤهم بعناية... رقم 1 أحمد من مصر... رقم 2 عثمان من السودان (اسم شائع جداً هناك حتى أن أحد زملائي الأطباء من السودان اسمه عثمان!)... وهناك بوعمير من الجزائر و زبيدة من تونس و سعد من السعودية (كان يربي سكسوكة جميلة ) ... وهناك شاب من فلسطين وآخر من سوريا و صبية من الأردن... وربما خانتني الذاكرة في بعضهم لكنني أتذكر جيداً أن رقم 13 كان من العراق... كان فتياً وسيماً و ذكياً جداً و كان اسمه ... رشيد
فتحت خزانة الكتب فطالعني شريط عمري بأكمله... كتب قليلة من أيام المدرسة... تاريخ الأدب العربي... القضية الفلسطينية... المجتمع العربي... كتب السنة الأولى في الجامعة... كيمياء و فيزياء و أحياء و كتاب بغيض عن علم الخلية... أخذ صدري يضيق و أزحت مراجع الجراحة و السيكولوجيا أبحث عن كتاب صغير بحجم الكف...
أكتشفت أنني أملك قصصاً كثيرة لنجيب محفوظ و توفيق الحكيم و الجزء الأول من الشوقيات...! من تحت الغبار انتزعت مغامرة ذات غلاف أسود رسم عليها شيطان صغير معقوف الذيل... "اللص الألكتروني" كان العنوان... و على الغلاف السعر بالعملات العربية المختلفة... عشرة قروش... تملكني ذلك الشعور القديم بالتشويق و تذكرت تفاصيل القصة كلها... كان الشياطين عائلة واحدة... يحمون بعضهم و يتعاونون لنصرة الخير...في حكاياهم لذة لا تقاوم...روح الفريق و العائلة و الأصحاب... و رائحة الوطن العربي الواحد...فتحت الكتاب على عجل كمن يشتاق لرؤية أصحاب العمر... طالعتني الأسماء و الصور القديمة و عبق الأيام الخوالي... وجدت أحمد من مصر و الأسمر عثمان من السودان و الجميلة ريما من الأردن...بحثت بحثت ولم أجد رشيد
نخلة الياس أبو ياغي


Hopefully one day, someone will find Rasheed ..

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Sweet Revenge In Frankfurt

Argentina will play in the group of death, with Holland, Serbia (a powerful team) and the Ivory Coast (one of the strongest teams in Africa).

Argentina will be looking to kick some Dutch ass on June 21st in Frankfurt, to take revenge from their loss in the final eight in 1998 in France.

Enjoy the pictures above from their encounters in 1978 Final Match when Argentina thrashed Holland 3-1 to win the cup, and 20 years later when Holland won 2-1 by Bergkamp's goal in the final minute. the first picture is funny!

Click on the picture to enlarge.

شريف جدا جدا

حرامي لنغ ٢٠٠٥ نازل عالسوق

مستر شريف محمود شريف الحسن ، لطش ابو ٢٥ مليون ليرة و شلف

والتاس الله يعينها بس ما زال بنظحك عليها وبتصدق اي واحد بلبس بدلة و بطلعلها ورقتين ثلاثة تثبت انه مستثمر، و تثق به اكثر واكثر اذا كان جده وجدك مع بعض بنفس المدرسة (غالبا ما تكون كلية الحسين او الكلية الاسلامية)
على اية حال... ماذا يجني الانسان لو ربح العام كله و خسر نفسه

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Middle Class in Jordan : Yeslam Raasko

The presence of a big middle class is vital. It's the class the fills the gap between the rich and the poor, and as this class increases in size, the gaps starts to narrow. In Jordan, such gaps between the very poor and the very rich have existed, but never as bad as they are now.

In old days, it wasn't easy to distinguish a rich family from a less fortunate one. Both lived in the same area, both put on the same clothes and even both had the same kind of car. Despite the variable income from one to another, the rich maintained living a simple life and used the extra money they had mostly on education. This kind of simplicity was unifying.

What we're seeing now is an unbelievable gap between the 2 classes that exist in Jordan, and the middle class consists only of those who are not very rich in Jordanian standards or very poor, and most of this class are people who strive daily to avoid falling into poverty.

The essentials are getting more expensive. It's heart-breaking to see very smart students who cannot make it to a public university because they cannot afford 400 JDs for registration and tuition fees. A lot of people limit their transportation because they can't afford going on a bus more than 2-3 times a day, while expensive cars are driven by 18 yr-old men who believe they are the middle class because their parents cannot afford more expensive cars that their friends have.

As the financial gap widens, the emotional gap between people widens, and they start feeling they live in 2 different countries and will hardly feel for each other. The rich will treat the poor as someone who's naive, illiterate, stupid and a potential thief. The poor will look at the rich as a corrupt bastard who didn't work hard to become rich. Based on events from our recent history, Jordanians will not take it, and I hope it won't be too late before the government recognizes that.

Monday, December 05, 2005

How much can these children love America?

Will these Iraqi children remember the day people were allowed to vote more than the day they lost their parents ?

Will they think of this was as a war on terror or a war of terror?

This war has transformed each of these children to a potential "Bin Ladin" when they grow up.

Can't Americans stop singing "we didn't start the fire" for just one day?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

George Bush: Enemy of Humans

Geroge Bush started the dirty war telling his people that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction,
used against innocent civilians,

Well, he's right,

Weapons of mass destrution were used in Iraq, but only a year ago in Fallujah.

Watch this documentary from an Italian TV channel, and thank God that America is not occupying your country.

In English: (and click on the link)
If it's not working...

In Arabic:

Treatment of homosexuals!!

I'd be very interested to see how will UAE officials -not doctors- treat homosexuals.

It's been shown time and time again that homosexuals have normal sex hormone levels. Hormones do not determine sexual orientation. Their levels might affect the libido (interest in sex) and the sexual functions such as erections.

Many people (not doctors) think that a low testosterone level causes someone to become gay. That is not true. I knew that the gays caught in UAE will be given hormonal treatment. I suppose they'll be given a male hormone, either testosterone or something like it. What this will do is increase their libido and interest in sex, so they would want more to have sex with other men and In case they're going to prison in those tiny cells with many other males that can be a bit dangerous.

Once officials stop giving the testosterone, the body will not be able to make its own because it's dependent on an external source of testosterone, so the levels of testosterone will be very low.

The other possible hormonal therapy is an anti-androgen, something to suppress the tesosterone to suppress the sex drive. What that might do is destory those men's sexual function and let them grow up big breasts! I find this very sick.

Such therapies are totally inhuman and non-medical. It all revolves around politics. Politicans in UAE want to win the public support by treating gays like guinea pigs, and America which abused human rights both directly and indirectly is complaining of such treatment to people they do not care about. Politics is such so dirty that the scientists' opinion comes last even it's the only one which should count.