Sunday, May 03, 2009

Your Facebook Status: Your Short Diary

A friend told me she stores her facebook stati. I liked the idea, you look one year back and it reminds of things, usually tiny things that can bring memories from good times you had. I'll do this every year or so. The most recent are first...

- America: STOP YOUR SEXISM. if you're gonna allow women to breastfeed in public, you should allow men to urinate in public without being charged with "public nudity". Men are human too

- is upset that "bitch" isn't part of my cell phone's sms auto-dictionary , I may need to start calling people by their real names

-is asking people not to panic over the swine infleunza, even though if you get it your skin will PERMNANETLY BECOME PINK AND YOUR FECES WILL SMELL LIKE BACON, FOREVEr, but don't panic , calm down...

- You know you're not eating healthy when the fire alarm goes off every time you fart


-encouraging people not to panic about the swine influenza, even though IT CAN TRANSFORM YOUR FACE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A PIG IF YOU GET THE INFECTION.... DO NOT PANIC PEOPLE, DO NOT PANIC


-As much as I love myself as much as I hate narcissists


-I'm so amazed by the enormous amount of asbestos found in the office and already considering giving donations for mesothelioma research


-wishes the government was just as a creative and aggressive as the influenza virus

-Free medical advice from Dr. Masannat: to stop a hiccup hold your breath for 20 minutes

-Fuck Susan Boyle.. ok? FUCK SUSAN BOYLE. F-U-C-K S-U-S-A-N B-O-Y-L-E

- microbiology 101: candida smells like baked bread, Pseudomonas smells like grapes, gram negative anaerobes smell like my car

-So annoyed by my neighbor who keeps trashing the street every Saturday night. I think it might be the right time now to make him an offer he can't refuse

-I terribly miss Jordan around Easter time (not as much the rest of the year)


-I received a coupon from Southwest for a free drink on one of their flights. I'll be happy to mail to anyone who wants it but I guess it will stop at four mailing stations before it reaches your address.


-Every insect on this planet -or at least my bathroom- can be shrunk to a third of its original size with only 10 cc of Absolut Vodka


-Dust, heat, cold, rain, poop of unkown origin on the road, knowing about every accident, road closure and song dedication in Tucson, Phoenix, Yuma and LA, middle fingers, dead dogs, dead cattle, talking to voices in my head, voices talking back... things you encounter when you drive from Tucson to LA


-I'm totally against the death penalty, except for those who make collar shirts without those small pockets. Those designers need to be executed naked upside down in public stadiums and beaten up afterwards Mussolini-style


- haven't done my taxes yet, in hope to be picked for Obama's cabinet...


-Fever is not a state of vanco+zosyn deficiency, thank you very much


-I do not like all those facebook quizzes, at least those that tell me I'm a lesbian


-Will always stand behind Argentina, led by the most genius super-human to ever touch a ball and dance with it, the greatest human alive Mr. Diego Armando Maradona... Diego, football's your bitch

- Message to all my patients: I'm now officially accepting tips. On the door of my clinic you'll find 2 cups: kindly drop your tip in the blue one and your stool sample in the green one


-decided to be his own primary care physician, and has already talked himself out getting a rectal


-Keep your toothbrush 6 feet away from the toilet seat to avoid contamination. Or you can just do like me and bring a toothpaste with a very powerful mint flavor


-I realized today I'm not exactly slim enough to walk between 2 parked cars. My apology for setting off car alarms at the UMC parking today

-Does solving complex Math equations on my butt make me a smart ass?


-wondering if my neck pain, ear numbness and the delicious taste of gram (-) anaerobes in my mouth have anything to do with my visit to the dentist last week


-Can't stop smelling the 1930 World Cup Argentina Football shirt he got on ebay. mmm that arousing smell of sweat from 80 years ago, can't wait to buy the shorts


- Is it normal to get high for 3 hours after visiting a dentist?


-Staying in Sedona is like marriage; it's great only in the very beginning and most people say they're having much more fun than they actually are.

-For lent I'm giving up rational thinking. The church should honor me: not only am I giving up something, but all my patients will start praying more


- is going to become vegetarian for some time. That measure is expected to increase the population of beef worldwide by 300%


-just knew that Viva La Vida was chosen as the best song of 2008. I guess Jizzed in My Pants wasn't sophisticated enough for those chauvenistic judges.


- is so glad he personally participated in physically doing a fecal transplantion today. I can't get that aphrodisic smell out of my nose


-is experimenting with matches while listening to Sunny came home... (Kathy if you're reading I'm just kidding I swear to God)

-if facebook wants to add "Like" beside each status, they should also add "Doesn't like" or a middle finger as well.


- is still bidding heavily on Mafioso Joe Bonano's eyeglasses. He can't wait to lick them to taste the suspense (and blood if he hadn't cleaned after his victims)


- is observing Charles Darwin's 200th birthday. In his memory I will throw bananas at my neighbor's door and take a dump in their backyard


-is spending Valentine with person I love the most and will always love and serve more than anybody in the whole world... I'm dating myself

- A woman with 6 kids decided to have 8 more and is asking for donations. I'll donate money to do whatever it takes to push those babies up where they came from


-watched Waltz with Bashir. It will ruin your day, make you feel helpless, useless and weak, and will suck your soul. You really really have to watch it.


-is tired of explaining that Jordanians do not eat dogs or cats (but a pair of old fashioned juicy goat testicles....hmm.. we would kill for that)


- is suffering from FUFS(Fucked-Up Foot Syndrome). The major risk factor for FUFS is insisting on wearing your new shoes even when they're too small for your feet


- is working on his visa renewal. Plenty of paper work, paying lots of money, mailing stuff, whatever it takes to not end up selling falafel in manhatten

-is shokced Comcast viewers in Tucson had to see that naked-men ad during the Super Bowl. Ads like these should only be on COX.. (baaad joke, i'm going to hell)


- is excited about Arizona playing in the American football Super Bowl today, until then he's watching a REAL football game between Liverpool and Chelsea


- is watching the debates about stimulating the economy. Here's my suggestion for a great stimulus package: Jessica Alba


- is learning new things from his infection control rotation. From now on he'll start washing his hands after each rectal exam


- is now convinced by the voices in his head that he can light his brain farts. Hey Tucson Fire Department: Watch Out!

-watched My Bloody Valentine. A bit scary but very inspiring. It inspired me to bring an ax to work tomorrow

- George W. Bush: FUCK OFF.

-on this great Martin Luther King Day I'd like to send my best wishes to African Americans living in South Dakota, all 3 of them

-is glad that all passengers survived in that plane crash in NYC. Not only that, but those lucky bastards will get back their 15 dollar luggage check-in fee

-had it with those patients who don't show up to clinic because they're sick or "got the flu". I'm an INFECTIOUS DISEASE doctor for God's sake...!

- I love big butts is a great morning song.

- is devastated about the terrible massacres happening in Gaza every day.

- is wondering if stealing the bible at his hotel room would be considered a sin. I may have to read the bible to know (will be skipping the 10 commandments)

- wishes everyone a non-tragic, non-catastrophic, satisfactory acceptable new year.

- is starting the period of saving lots of money on haircuts. Hint: become bald.

- the curious case of Benjamen Button: the curious case of how a shitty terrible awfully long movie gets excellent reviews.

- is pissed from his neighbor who blocked his garage. I'm gonna tell her 2 little kids today that Santa is fake. Merry Christmas!!!

- watched slumdog millionaire, it's a proof that you can have a wonderful Indian movie with very little dancing, and with the movie lasting less than 9 hours

- congrtulates his friend Rob for making his first solo flight. I would also like to tell people that I bought a new Hoover and assembled it myself. So we're even.

- OK, no more Christmas carols before 12/24. Remember, even when Jesus himself was born there were no Christmas carols on radio.

- is tolerant to lactose, intolerant to lactose fermenters....

- I don't know about you guys, but I don't really like it when my patient on the vent wakes up for a second , looks at me and then gives me the finger

- is excited about doing his first stool transplantation. It really saves lives. Give me feces or give me death.

- saw Quantum of Solace today. What a quantum of bullshit.

- believes that women should be independent. They shouldn't blindly follow what their husbands tell them to do, except of course if you were Hillary Clinton

- is shopping for tickets + hotel in Oralndo this January. Hey Congress, you bastards, I want an 800-dollar bailout

- because it's very cold in most states now, why the hell don't they send all their firefighters to LA? Montana and the Dakotas: redistribute your firefighters

- is planning on attending the World Cup in 2014 in Brazil, can't wait for the tickets to go on sale in February 2013

- strongly advises everyone to never iron their shirts while wearing them. Those irons can be very hot.

- has some sewage leakage in the house. Thank God it's being fixed now by Joe the Plumber.

- will be missing Tina Fey.

- Obama, will he pave the way for a Kenyan invasion of America?Will 50 cent become his advisor? Will he erect a statue for Stalin? just predicting new McCain ads

- enjoyed looking at the first plane ever flown successfully by humans in 1903. I'd rather fly with this plane than with Southwest.

- discovered a new disease, and called it Frozen Ball Syndrome (FBS). The major risk factor for FBS is going from Arizona to D.C. without bringing winter clothes.

- was glad to have a poster at the IDSA meeting. He was also glad to go thru the experience of being ignored by 13 thousand people from every corner of the world


- misses the smell of formalin in the morgue from the days of his second year medical school. He'll go smell his jar of pickles to bring back the memories

- can't imagine how someone's ass can get kicked for one hundred years? Any idea, Cubs fans?

- is hoping his new thick old-fashioned eyeglasses with the super gigantic thick lenses will add to his nerd cred

- is suspending his clinical research to focus on the economy.

- People should not complain about things they get for free. If you don't like the new facebook quit using it.

- watched "Burn after Reading". Can't wait to see its sequel... "Forget after Seeing"

- McCain never failed to shock me. I think he will win this thing. Shit!

- shouldn't have tried that massage-sofa at Sam Levitz today. My apology to the workers at the store. They'll know why tomorrow.

- is amazed by the 8 gold medals Mike Phelps got in Beijing. I bet I can get more medals, but fart-lighting isn't considered an official Olympic sport :(

101 comments:

San Antonio Cicily said...

I needed a good laugh!

Tha2ir said...

Cool Idea, It's been a while since I actually updated my status, I think I should go back

Ali said...

u didnt try twitter yet, its even worse!

Amy said...

some are quoted

Anonymous said...

I liked the 1st and the 6th one! .. a good laugh at work :)

Cheers!

viagra online said...

must be very careful in using social networks like facebook because there are situations that are not suitable to advertise and people like our bosses can be found out and cause serious problems

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