Tuesday, November 11, 2008

That's why I'm still single

At this point of time, TV is the best companion for me, much better than any woman on the planet, which kind of explains why I'm still single. I'd rather spend the weekend watching 10-16 hours of kick-ass European and Latin football than sit with a wife gossiping about relatives, trash the neighbors or fight over stupid things. Worse: we could be having a little monkey running around the house that we have to chase that son of a bitch day and night.

I really don't know how to raise kids. I know what I want my kid (only one) to be, someone with good manners who is respectful and has a purpose in life, besides of course being ready to give up everything he has for his father and (optionally) his mother. But I haven't figured out the process through I which I transmit this desire of mine to him, that process that many smart people and Oprah call raising.

It's like being a genius professor at college, dedicated to the job but at the same time you're a very bad teacher. You do your best to teach your students and want them to be great scientists but you can't get the job done. You cannot deliver. And the students end up being ignorant and dumb.

So I'm still confused how to do it. What should I do if my son makes a dreadful mistake? Should I sit down with him and explain very quietly that what he did what wrong, or should I beat the crap out of him and hang from his balls for 48 hours? Maybe I'll settle for both options, talk to him first then hang him from his balls, just to make sure that I'm right at least 50% of the time.

When it comes to raising kids I can't help but categorize kids into two categories: The Kit-Kat kids and the Bag3a kids. Kit-Kat kids are treated very gently and are kept in a bubble that protects them from all harms but that bubble also keeps them away from many challenges in life that are necessary to make them strong tough human beings. Once they start growing up they're shocked by how tough life is and a lot of them experiment with drugs, alcohol or sex and do not "listen to their parents" anymore.

Bag3a kids are being raised in a much more rough environment, and their parents beat the hell out of them for anything wrong they do, and in other occasions for no clear reason. These kids are able more to survive however quite a lot of them get a few psychological problems and become abusive in the future to their wives and kids.

Ok, most kids don't fall in either extreme, although many kids in America are Kit-Kat kids and many in Jordan are Bag3a kids. My point is that you need a lot of effort, knowledge and experimenting to learn how to raise your kids the right way. That's why I plan on having 5 kids; the first four will be for experimenting and once I'm done I'll donate these kids to some organization or Angelina Jolie, hopefully that will be legal by then (so vote for Ralph Nader, I'm sure he'll still on the ballot in 2024). Only the 5th kid will be my kid.

So, that's with the kids. But how about the wife?? I can barely stand having a roommate for a month, so how about a roommate forever? I dedicate 2-3 hours daily to watch TV, and a few hours every week to SOMADON (Sit On My Ass and DO Nothing). After a few year experience, I realized that SOMADON helps relax you quite a bit. Each SOMADON session lasts 1-2 hours, and it feels great, knowing that you're gonna waste some good 100 minutes doing absolutely nothing, which gives you a fake sense of relief. Now will my future wife understand how important is that for me?

And I don't want her to share these Somadon sessions with me. If she wants to Somadon she can do it herself. But if I'm Somadoning and I see her in front of me, I'll remember that I'm married and that I have a lot of responsibilities as a married man and that will ruin the whole Somadon session for me. I'll just politely ask her to getfosa (get the f--k off and somadon alone).

What Does SOMADON involve? I just sit on Raheejeh (my sofa) and look at the wall. I don't have any picture or painting on the wall, it's empty, but I just enjoy sitting and watching. One to two hours, until I start feeling better.

How about my eating habits? I like to sit on my big super-ugly super-cheap green Raheejeh and masticate my food while watching the TEVOed Leno's monologue from the night before or Knocked Up for the 100th time. I doubt that any woman would appreciate that. Then how about the bottle of Ketchup that I always keep under the sofa within my arm's reach. What's the point of returning the ketchup bottle to the kitchen if I'm gonna use it for every meal?

A friend told me that getting married is good for you, at least you don't sleep and wake up everyday in an empty house. However I know a few married guys who wish they'd sleep and wake up every night in an empty house, instead of living with the witches they're married to. Let's say for now, that I'm single and happy and until I'm about to absolutely feel that my life is wrecked and not worth living, I'm planning on keeping it the same way.


7aki Fadi said...

Seriously? The ketchup under the couch? Next to the dead um brais? hahahha , remember, um brais, the dead Lizard, did you clean it yet or is it next to the ketchup bottle?

LOL I crack me up!!!!

Hmmmm, If you meet the future Mrs Hareega don't send her a link to your blog. For real it will be a deal breaker.

Krystal Bell 541/2 years of age. said...

What's a TEVOed Leno's monologue?I hope you don't mind me asking.I don't have TV so I have no idea about what programs are on.I've heard Bella talk about a couple of doctor's shows that seem interesting though.
Do you watch them?
And to think I was addicted to watching shows on TV for years.I especially liked news shows and then I'd listen to talk shows on the radio.

And I'll wrap things up by letting you know that I have full knowledge about those things that you express.

And I like to soak a lot myself or as some call it marinate 2-3 hours would be good.However for the rest of the time it's work,work work.Is that what you are getting at?

We've got it made being single,I agree, as we do not have to deal with the frosty conditions that your buds are going through.

kinzi said...

LOL, Hareega, you are a piece of work. I'll be praying for another five years at this rate to get you marriage-ready.

As Qwaider posted last week, marriage has some surprising benefits men don't actually get until they are hitched to the right woman. You make sure to choose well (no aunties-pick, plz)and your socks will be knocked off at how she pulls out your Inner Superman.

TV is primarily observing other people's lives, marriage will make you an active participant in discovering the best of your own. And, you will still be spending a lot of time on that couch, SAMBAing with your Superwoman instead of Sambosa-ing, or whatever you called it, alone.

It is going to make for some hilarious posts.

7aki, do we need to introduce Hareega to Ukht 7aki? He'll have to get the ketchup in the frig, tho.

Saeed Jadaan said...

Man we have a lot in common
I watched and still watch knocked up over and over again , I like tv a loooooooooooooot , and I like watching it alone !

About kids my way will be like my father he is nahfeh and wiseee

when I was 14 years old he sent me to his friend's stores in Al we7dat and aqaba to work (used and dirty shoes containers) ofcourse for free !
in the next summer he told his friend (C-Town owner) to enroll me in anythingggg so my job was putting things in bags ...ya3ni lama aya 7ada yeshtare o yedfa3 ana ba7o6 bel kyaaaaas lol (once benet 5alejieh gave me 15 piasters ! I wanted to kill myself :( oo marah zalameh 3ajooz sar ye7keeli ya ebni lish tarek el madraseh? ana zaman kteer 7awalo yeqne3ooni atrek el madraseh oo ma 2belet looool ), my things were stolen oo ra7ou 3alay ..it was a disaster working from 8 to 4 with 1/2 break and all day standing on my legs :S be5tesar akalet hawa I worked there for 2 weeks......:P fee kteer jobs bas bekafe fadaye7 aslan el comment ma bewsa3 :P bas honestly after these simple jobs I see things from different angle and different mentality now ...oo anyway ana shab faa kan lazem atbahdal shway ......ya zalameh give me your blog password bedi aktob 3an el mawdoo3 3ajabni :P

Devilstine™ said...

way to go bud! no really wouts the point???
it pisses me off when i see people like that! for example why would i have to do my bed in the morning and come back after 12 hours and mess it up again? ( mentionin that no one enters the room but me and for sleeping reasons )!

Anonymous said...

What has experimenting sex got to do with listening to your parents :D

it's not a bad thing

you think kids in the states are kitkat kids, wait till you see the Swedish kids :D

the difference between a girlfriend/wife and a room mate is that they clean after themselves and after you most of the time if not all of the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, I also have difficulties going back and forth for the ketchup bottle :D

Hareega said...

7aki fadi.. i moved to a different place, the stain from that lizard's blood remained on the wall in my old place, my her soul (or his, the shusmo was crushed so i couldn't tell) rest in peace.
Before I get married I'm gonna delete this blog and change my name and skin color

krystal 54.5 yrs young.. well the TEVO (not sure of the spelling) is when you record a program on your cable box. Most of the things I watch on TV are things I ahve TEVOed from earlier. It's fantastic because you can skip commercials. I'm glad to know that there are other people who share the same feeling I do about marriage.

Kinzi.. keep praying for me, I'm sure one day your prayers will be answered. I know that marriage can bring a lot of surprising benefits like Qwaider said, he's lucky. Some guys say that marriage can bring you very surprising unforeseen disasters.

Saeed Jaddan, man you had some interesting experiences, suffering makes perfect as they say, so you should be perfect by now.

Devlistine, yes .. thank you, that making the bed things is very hard to understand. I have not made my bed in 4 years so far, and It looks great, I get better sleep than what most bed-makers get.
Same thing applies to washing dishes and cleaning your kitchen.

Nizo, good luck finding that woman who "will clean after me". I don't want her to, I just want her to accept me as I am, unorganized , untidy and happy

Anonymous said...

I can't but find things u have mentioned soooo funny
i just kept laughing especially on the SOMADON thing ... and the whole situation :D
I still laugh while writing the comment also:))

I like this post ... since along time didn't read sth clearly reflict how someone just wanna be!