Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Babies Are Ugly

Every time one of my friends or family gets a baby, I realize one thing: my relationship with that particular person will not be as strong anymore. The simple reason behind it, is that their whole life becomes focused around the new creature- which in many cases was unwanted, a mistake-literally, like a miscalculation on the calender. Can you imagine that some people existed just because their mothers had poor Math skills?

Now the baby is born. To everyone reading this, I want to say this in writing because I won't be able to say it public. All newborns are ugly. Very very ugly. First they're covered with secretions that you don't really wanna know where they're coming from.
Then look at them, they don't have eyelashes. They don't have eyelids. They can't even open their eyes. They have 2 eyes that can't open but one mouth that doesn't shut the hell up. And yet family members gather around that little zombie and say how beautiful s/he is! Listen, ladies, whoever has a baby among you, everyone was lying to you, at least the men , including your husband, father, brother, and all doctors and nurses, and whoever cut his little pee-pee and sent the extra meat to the shawerma place nearby. They were all lying; they didn't want to upset you and push you to kill your little product during a crazy moment in your post-pregnancy mood swing that usually lasts for 30 years.

Don't get me wrong. I value motherhood and understand the pain a woman goes through to bring that little son-of-a-bitch to life, but birth itself, oh God!
HORROR. I can't think of any horror movie, but imagine a human being opening his mouth then another smaller human being pushing his way out of the stomach and exiting through his open mouth while dilating the neck as he's moving upwards. Birth is exactly the same, just with a different location.
I almost fainted when I watched the first birth in medical school. I've seen a lot of dead and dying people and that didn't scare me, but when I saw a lady pushing the newcomer out of there I was gonna throw up. And the pain, oooo the pain of labor. Guys, it's probably like being constipated X 10, but the difference in labor is that you don't grab your piece of shit to kiss it once you're done (although that might be worth experimenting, e-mail me at faristuta@hotmail.com).

Then the baby grows up, and you see twenty million pictures of them each day, looking exactly the same. The baby's IQ is in the range of an adult with profound mental retardation, and yet if I take a 100 pictures of such adult and send them to people they'll complain but when it comes to the baby he's "so sweat" and "karmoosh".
Then the baby says a word, or talks, OH MY GOD! The whole world should know when the little kid talks or walks. Well as a person in the medical field I have to assure you that this is what's supposed to happen. You should be telling everybody if it did NOT happen, and only then should you tell me and others about it so we can find a solution.

I know many people were offended with this post, including myself because I was a baby at one point (although looking at me gives the impression I was 15 when I was born), but I'm writing this for history, at least for my kids. If I had any and I wasn't around as they grew up, and their mother (Jessica Alba, please God) told them that your father thought you were very beautiful, I'm hoping they'll read this and realize what an asshole I was.

25 comments:

nido said...

Why did I read this? till the end,,,the whole post!!! I mean this is a sad and scary post Hareega!!
I just believe that once you hold yr newborn baby in yr arms -one day- you'll understand how bad this post is!! I guess:p

mab3oos said...

Great post Hareega.

إنت عن جدّ مولّع هالايام

Summer said...

until you have your own!!!

ola said...

"The baby's IQ is in the range of an adult with profound mental retardation"

And that's exactly what makes them adorable!!

I have to admit though, they don't look exactly gorgeous the first 2 months but you don't really discover that until they grow up and you be like, what was I thinking taking loads of pictures??

Nora said...

once you have a new born or ur sister or brother, you'll develop a new heart... just for that baby, and you'll be so overcome by love,that u'll have to take back every single word you wrote down in this note!!

nothing really will be able to explain the feeling until u experience it.

so ur right at what ur saying now as someone without a baby, but it'll ALL change once ur in that position and dont think otherwise, believe me it will..

ياسمين حميد said...

no they are not! Grownups are!
signed: An offended baby

7aki Fadi said...

I'm I the only one that thinks this is hilarious???

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

But hey, labor is like constipation ???? Are you kidding me? like for real? Man it's nothing like that and it hurts like hell. I hope you experience the pain one day, LOOOOOL

Simply Me said...

hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
I read this in the right time.. just when i wanted to take a break from the boring assignments! Thanks. that made my break..

caroline said...

u sure do paint a gloomy pic...i actually did faint when i first saw natural childbirth in med school,and sparing all the gory details u chose to describe it with...still it is a mystery of life and maybe u should just try to accept it that way!!lol
I do agree though that some parents go over board with their baby talk as if everyone loves their baby the way they do or even cares,but that being said babies and kids themselves r just innocent and not as corrupt as we all r and that is what makes them adorable hareega:)

Ghassan Yonis said...

"Birth is exactly the same, just with a different location"
for “a person in the medical field” I’m surprised you’d say that!.. I believe the vagina have more sense nerves then the mouth.. your not a virgin are you :)

"I've seen a lot of dead and dying people"
yeah! What exactly you do for a living again!!

I do agree with you, when ever you go you find babies annoyingly screaming every where.. I think it should be illegal, and every parents with screaming kid should be arrested, if they can't handle their kids then don't have them!.. that also goes for kids, teens and politicians..

YASMINE said...

LOOOOOL wak malak inhabalt!!
Although your post was hilarious, I will keep on taking a million pictures of my CUTE and SWEET and ADORABLE little girl EVERYDAY and post them on facebook for you to see!! :D

PALFORCE said...

You are too funny man.

Thank you for the humor.

What was that email again?

faristuta@hotmail.com

will keep ya posted.

Khaled

lost within said...

One bows to thee in awe !!
yeslam fomak :P
seriously this is so true !!!
All Hail the gr8 7areega !!

Hareega said...

nido.. maybe, until then I apologize for eyes for eading this

mab3oos, shukran !

summer... I guess!

ola... your kid is nice, an exception :)

nora, my sister has babies and i love them! But they didn't look pretty at all when they were born. NOT PRETTY. I still was very glad when I saw them.

Hareega said...

ياسمين حميد... zay ma biddik!

7aki fadi... obviously you don't know what's consitpation, but I said it's ten times worse. It could be only 3 times woirse if you spent the whole week just eating beef burrittos from taco bell

simply me... you're welcome!

caroline... yeah i know what you mean, there's something nice about labor. Human life coming out of human life, but it would have been nicer if it was by exostosis rather tan vaginal delivery. God, I totally realzie now why women scream during labor.

ghassan... thanks for understanding me, we together can make perfect dictators

Yasmine... your daughter is adorbale, i like the pictures :)

Khalid.. keep me posted dude. Ten bucks if you do that experiment

Lost Within... you're welcome, I'm glad some peope still understand

asoom said...

I agree, they also all look the same

Farah said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ya I never thought babies were that cute either, but theyre so peaceful (until they open their mouths, in which case i run far far away)
And Jessica Alba? Ya sure, cuz life is just that good...

Hareega said...

asoom, thanks for agreeing!

farah.. just pray for me, in return I'll pray you'll get Dani DeVito

madas said...

Agreed!

I also think that babies are ugly when they are born, they become cute later though, when they start reacting... I always thought that they look like mice, or aliens... i don't know.... So what is this all about Hareega...is there something you would like to share?

Hareega said...

Mariam... I'm glad another woman agrees with me :) No there isn't one particular thing I just opened up after receving thousnads of emails and pictures pre and post the facebook era of babies doing everything stupid in life. Eve most of the time the sender knows nothing about the baby it's just pictures of random babies they found on the internet and they like to "share" it with whoever is on their mailing list.
God babies are ugly ! I still love them though...

Amy said...

Copied, I hope thats okay

Hareega said...

that's ok Amy

Sam said...

well lets see how u will look if u were in water for 9 months..it is a miracle they do not look like raisens...and i almost threw up when i first saw a birth video...it turned me off babies for a while...thankfully i was 16 i had about 10yrs to recover and have a baby...and 10x worse than constipation...try 100000x worse...but of course u can have an epidural while having a baby..u cant have one when u r constipated...so maybe we will keep it at 1000x worse...
yeh i agree babies r not the cutest in their first 2 months but then they become adorable...

Hareega said...

sam, some constipated people may disagree with you on numbers but agree on principle, although an epidural for the constipated also sounds like a great idea.

Anonymous said...

Good, VERY good post!!!i am a young woman and i respect people who want to have children, but i dont, and babies annoy me (sorry people) even i am respectfull to children and i think they should be protected and respected, BUT please!!!!i never wanted and i dont want kids, i have more interesting things to do in life, i feel naturally inspired by go to nature, adventure, play music, mountaineering, travell, know new cultures, countries, fly a small plane, ride a bike, make environment actions, etc. If i had to take care i prefer to take care of small homeless pets, animals. Im sorry i dont want to offend nobody but i find the act of birth ugly, ok it is important to people, but is sticky and ugly. I respect people who want to have children, but please respect me as i DONT. Brave post,you have to be brave to assume this position, brave post, Hareega!!! greetings from Marie