Babies Are Ugly

Every time one of my friends or family gets a baby, I realize one thing: my relationship with that particular person will not be as strong anymore. The simple reason behind it, is that their whole life becomes focused around the new creature- which in many cases was unwanted, a mistake-literally, like a miscalculation on the calender. Can you imagine that some people existed just because their mothers had poor Math skills?

Now the baby is born. To everyone reading this, I want to say this in writing because I won't be able to say it public. All newborns are ugly. Very very ugly. First they're covered with secretions that you don't really wanna know where they're coming from.
Then look at them, they don't have eyelashes. They don't have eyelids. They can't even open their eyes. They have 2 eyes that can't open but one mouth that doesn't shut the hell up. And yet family members gather around that little zombie and say how beautiful s/he is! Listen, ladies, whoever has a baby among you, everyone was lying to you, at least the men , including your husband, father, brother, and all doctors and nurses, and whoever cut his little pee-pee and sent the extra meat to the shawerma place nearby. They were all lying; they didn't want to upset you and push you to kill your little product during a crazy moment in your post-pregnancy mood swing that usually lasts for 30 years.

Don't get me wrong. I value motherhood and understand the pain a woman goes through to bring that little son-of-a-bitch to life, but birth itself, oh God!
HORROR. I can't think of any horror movie, but imagine a human being opening his mouth then another smaller human being pushing his way out of the stomach and exiting through his open mouth while dilating the neck as he's moving upwards. Birth is exactly the same, just with a different location.
I almost fainted when I watched the first birth in medical school. I've seen a lot of dead and dying people and that didn't scare me, but when I saw a lady pushing the newcomer out of there I was gonna throw up. And the pain, oooo the pain of labor. Guys, it's probably like being constipated X 10, but the difference in labor is that you don't grab your piece of shit to kiss it once you're done (although that might be worth experimenting, e-mail me at faristuta@hotmail.com).

Then the baby grows up, and you see twenty million pictures of them each day, looking exactly the same. The baby's IQ is in the range of an adult with profound mental retardation, and yet if I take a 100 pictures of such adult and send them to people they'll complain but when it comes to the baby he's "so sweat" and "karmoosh".
Then the baby says a word, or talks, OH MY GOD! The whole world should know when the little kid talks or walks. Well as a person in the medical field I have to assure you that this is what's supposed to happen. You should be telling everybody if it did NOT happen, and only then should you tell me and others about it so we can find a solution.

I know many people were offended with this post, including myself because I was a baby at one point (although looking at me gives the impression I was 15 when I was born), but I'm writing this for history, at least for my kids. If I had any and I wasn't around as they grew up, and their mother (Jessica Alba, please God) told them that your father thought you were very beautiful, I'm hoping they'll read this and realize what an asshole I was.